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Just the fastest of notes, no proofreading: 

It has been, for reasons I’m not ready to really talk about, a very hard week. It’s only Tuesday. I am deeply aware of how much I have to be thankful for at this moment, how much worse this week could be. I am deeply aware of how many people help me in my life, and again, I’m grateful beyond grateful. 

But still: I am so sad.

In my life, I have tended to be hard on myself when things outside of me are hard. I am desperately trying to unlearn this, and so in this week, I am trying again to be conscious of the opposite. I am trying to be kind to myself. I am trying to give myself what I would give others: the benefit of the doubt, the compassion and understanding, the grace. I have tended to minimize my experience, not allow my feelings to come through; again, I am trying something new. I am trying to validate what is happening, and I am trying to feel my feelings.

If I had written yesterday, as I am trying to get in the habit of doing on Mondays, I might have written something about love. In honor of Valentine’s Day, I might have said how much love I have in my life. I might have noted how my son has expanded my understanding of the concept; how his father has helped me see how it can change; how my family expresses it from far away; how my friends give it to me in steady doses. I might have talked about how the man standing now by my side has helped me see love in a new light, as something fresh and whole and radiant and full. 

I might very well have written about my puppies, and how their love is endless. How my love for them will always continue on.

So I say those things today, Tuesday, instead. And I’ll add this: it is good, too, to show ourselves love. To be gentle, when things are hard. To rest, to eat what feels and sounds good, to take deep breaths, to accept mistakes, to learn.

To always – always – look towards the Sunshine, especially when the weeks get hard, especially when we feel lost, especially when we are sad. It is there, bright and strong and beautiful as anything this world will ever know.

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